APPROACHING DAMASCUS: right thinking

 

This post is excerpted from our new staff book, Right Thinking in a World Gone Wrong. It is taken from my chapter giving a pastoral perspective on the topic of online dating. This topic is something I am asked about more and more. I hope the post will provoke you to read the whole chapter… and book.

 

“Another issue regarding online dating centers on the question of accountability. When romance blossoms in the context of the church, or even work or school, it comes with a built-in level of accountability. Pastors, parents, and peers quickly become aware of the “special interest” that is forming between two people. The time they spend together includes group activities, social outings, and ministry events—circumstances in which other Christians can observe the couple and offer counsel or feedback. The couple understands that they are being watched, and that people who care about their souls also care about their growing friendship. As a result, rash decisions that might lead to either heartbreak (when a relationship is broken off) or heartache (when purity is not preserved) are weighed against the consequences that a sense of corporate accountability provides.

 

But online dating is essentially accountability-free. Time on a computer is almost always spent in isolation, making it impossible for pastors, parents, or peers to watch the relationship develop. A sense of anonymity gives the heart a greater sense of freedom in expressing that which might not be said in real life. Moreover, the person on the other end is a complete stranger—not only to the would-be suitor but also to his or her friends and family. There is no one to vouch for that person as a suitable potential mate, or to affirm that the relationship is going well, or to give informed counsel should issues arise down the road. This puts Christian singles in a much more difficult place as they attempt to pursue romance in a way that is righteous.

 

It should also be noted that real-world romance often begins in friendship, as two people get to know each other to some degree before expressing romantic interest. But this is not the case in online dating relationships. From the outset, the mindset is geared toward romance, meaning no opportunity is provided for establishing a simple friendship first. If at any point the romance no longer seems viable, the friendship immediately dies with it. “Breaking up” is relatively painless (unless you are on the receiving end of the bad news), since there are often no real-world implications to ending the relationship. Online daters may also be tempted to continually look for “someone better” or to entertain multiple prospects at one time. But such practices, and the perspective that fuels them, can develop deadly habits if left unchecked. The accountability that comes with real-world relationships guards against these kinds of temptations.

 

On balance, the Christian single who is renewing his or her mind through the Scriptures, and seeking to live in a way that honors Christ through the power of the Spirit, can certainly navigate the electronic waters of online dating with purity and integrity. The conscience informed by the Scriptures provides believers with a stronger level of accountability than anything external. Remembering the omnipresence of God also goes a long way to countering the thought of sin (Prov. 15:3). At the same time, wisdom suggests that isolation and temptation often go hand in glove (Prov. 18:1). Whether they enter the world of online dating or not, those who seek to live righteously will seek out accountability from other believers.”